Saturday, July 5, 2014

Top Drop: When Doms Crash

I am writing this post for the BDSM Blog Hop, so if you are interested in reading thoughtful—and sometimes sexy—posts about the many aspects and flavors of power play, then do check out the other bloggers, okay?

As part of the blog hop, I’m holding a drawing for a $25 gift card, winner’s choice of Amazon or Good Vibrations. To enter, follow the instructions at the bottom of the post.


When I do talk about BDSM, I talk from the heterosexual dominant side of the table. I love men and a man’s body, and I get a rush from being the one who does the tying up, the teasing, the torturing, and all the rest. In the right circumstances, i.e. a consensual relationship, dominance is a way to be loving and nurturing, as well as a means to express sexual interest. Both partners get what they want and if that’s not a definition of fulfilling, I don’t have a better one.

People tend to talk at great length about subspace and sub drop, mostly because the submissive is in the most vulnerable position. Often the submissive is physically helpless and emotionally laid open. So talking about the submissive experience is important and necessary.

Far fewer people talk about top drop, those times when the dominant’s emotions crash.

True, Doms are generally in physical control. We set the scene, we control the pace, we deliver what the submissive receives and, if we’re doing it right, what they want and need. The presumption is the dominant is getting what he or she needs by doing this. And that’s mostly the case. But sometimes it’s not.

When a scene involves intense or painful acts—for example, “forced” sex by consent, or edgy play with clamps or cock cages, sounds, or heavy flogging—the dominant is not some soulless automaton performing mechanically. Take me for example: I’m human. I have an imagination, and scruples, and feelings. And when I go deep, mining my soul for the ability to tap into what the sub needs, every once in a while things just collide in a certain way and… what I’m doing doesn’t make me happy. It leaves me a mess.

It could be anything. Maybe it’s because I take such great care not to hurt someone, but I did. Or I get a mental shot of how my grandmother would react to what I’m doing (hint: she would not approve). Mostly it’s brain chemistry. Dopamine plummets and prolactin rises through the roof. Whatever the trigger, the rush crashes and I end up feeling conflicted, sad, and tired to the core.

Some Doms may never experience top drop. Others might experience it only on occasion. A few experience it so severely they take long breaks from BDSM or even never do it again.

The best thing a submissive can do if his or her Dom falls into a funk is to keep it normal. First and foremost, the Dom’s reaction is NOT about the submissive. It’s not about the scene. No one and nothing failed. If possible, allow your Dom to be loving, snuggle, kiss, and reassure him or her things were wonderful. Try to laugh. If the Dom wants to talk, great—if not, don’t push for an explanation. Your Dom wants to take care of you, not feel under siege for something he or she might not even understand enough to explain.

If you’re a Dom who experiences top drop, do all of the above and then consider talking to a friend in the BDSM scene. If it’s a serious case, it helps to plan another scene, something less intense, and enjoy being with your partner again in that personal, private way.

Ultimately, the most important thing to remember about BDSM is that the participants are people, humans, who have found a very special way to be together.


Giveaway Details

1. Leave a comment answering this question: Do you seek out BDSM-themed books?

2. Leave an email address so I can contact you should you win.

3. I will choose a winner at the end of the blog hop, on Monday morning, July 14th


  1. I did but found that most of them are not well written

    terrykali (at) outlook (dot) com

  2. I do if the BDSM is factual.

  3. I don't go looking for BDSM books, but I don't avoid them, either. As long as the story is good, and there is a reason behind the BDSM then I have no problems with it. I'm not into the scene, but neither am I a gay male and I love m/m themed stories. And this one does sound interesting.

    Kathy C

  4. I don't go looking for them but if the story catches my interest then I'll definitely read it.

  5. I don't usually go looking for them. There are, however, a few authors that I really like that write predominantly in that genre. I seek out their books knowing they will most likely be BDSM.

  6. sometimes. it depends on my mood. ;) thanks for the giveaway!
    my email is in my blogger profile.

  7. I don't seek them out, but I keep my eyes open for them. I mostly read M/M BDSM and rarely read M/F BDSM stories unless it's a Domme. I find it almost impossible to enjoy the stories with a female sub/slave.

    1. Oops, forgot my email: penumbrareads(at)gmail(dot)com

  8. Awesome post! I have read about drop from both the top and bottom perspectives. Thankfully I haven't experienced either to much of an extent, but I like to be able to prepare for the situation both when I top and when I bottom, and give aftercare in both cases. Great post!

    I do indeed seek out BDSM books, but I try to read up on them a little first to make sure that they portray BDSM realistically. It irks me when it's clear that a writer has not done their research into kink/BDSM/the lifestyle. I don't care if the writer practices BDSM themselves, but I'd like them to at least be informed! So far I've found some well done BDSM books, so that makes me happy.

    Thanks for the giveaway! I can be reached at sara(dot)testarossa(at)gmail(dot)com!

  9. Yes i do i love to read BDSM books very interesting,

  10. I enjoyed your post. I have my reading phases when I am in the mood to read BDSM themed books and I am always excited to discover new authors or a new release from a favorite author.

  11. I enjoyed your post. Depending upon my reading mood, I will seek out BDSM themed romances. I will read both M/F and MM books and am always on the look out for new to me authors in this genre.

  12. Opps, apologies for the double posting, blogger acting up on me.

  13. Really great post.
    I do seek them out. I find the lifestyle very intriguing. However it has to be written well with truth to it. I have seen a lot of books that were written by people who haven't got a clue about it.


  14. I don't seek it out, but will read a book with this theme if the over-all premise or author appeals to me.
    strive4bst(AT) yahoo(Dot) com

  15. Wonderful post--it's the first I've heard of "top drop," and it's important to know. I don't necessarily seek out BDSM the way I do m/m, but I certainly enjoy it if it's done well!

    Trix, vitajex(at)aol(Dot)com

  16. No, I don't

    bn100candg at hotmail dot com

  17. I loved your post. I don't really seek out the books so much but I have favorite authors of some and I always get their books. I am a submissive, still learning to be honest. I love the lifestyle and how it makes me fee.

  18. I do with certain authors because there seems to be a wide variation between well-written BDSM and someone going wild without doing any research. I never expected to be a BDSM reader though.

  19. I have a wide range of tastes in my books but will admit I do love a good BDSM book!

  20. I do sometimes. =) When i'm in the mood to read a BDSM book, I will go searching for one that looks good to me, or read one a friend tells me about. =)

    Thank you for this giveaway! <3

    Take care & I hope you have a great week!

    BLeigh1130 at yahoo dot com

  21. Yes I do actually.

  22. I don't seek out BDSM books. I do read quite a few books that have BDSM themes. I find the lifestyle intriguing. I enjoy the books that have BDSM in the storyline. My question-is there a list of authors that get the BDSM lifestyle right? I know that the" book that shall not be named" is not a good book to read for realism. Personally I haven't read it 1) it's not M/M and 2) some of my author friends on Facebook call it the book that shall not be named.
    Thank you for your post. I have enjoyed the blog so far it has been very informative.

    1. Joey Hill consistently gets BDSM right. Most of her books are MF, but "Rough Canvas" is MM and excellent. Check out C.B. Conwy, for sure. "Alphabet Soup" has some heavy scenes in the beginning but becomes gentler when the sub finds the right dom. MA Church and HB Pattskyn both have good BDSM books. And there's a group on Goodreads you might find useful, if you care to join:

      Glad you enjoyed the post, Denise, and have fun reading! :)

  23. Thank you for sharing a very different aspect of BDSM. It's true, you don't hear to much about top drop. In answer to your question: I read books with and without it, I do seek out M/M BDSM books be certain authors that I know get the lifestyle correct. I would love to read more, I'm just not sure who else that writes in the genre are worth reading. I am guessing that I will have a whole new list to read after this blog hop however. Thank you again for participating and having your own giveaway.

  24. I do seek out BDSM books, but only if I've heard from other sources that they're good. When I first got my Kindle I downloaded all sorts of freebies and cheap books and some are so skewed and wrong that I can't read them. I have a few go-to authors that I'll always purchase and then I read a lot of blogs and reviews for other ideas on what to read.


  25. Really enjoying everyone's responses. Thank you! I've had mixed experiences reading BDSM books. Some are excellent and some... well, let's just say lots of books totally mess up what a dominant is (in terms of psychology) and can be (in terms of relating to his or her submissive). For that reason, I actually don't seek them out unless someone I trust recommends a book.

    Still time to enter. I'll be drawing a winner on Monday morning, July 14th. Every time I try to hold a drawing on the weekend, something happens to make me late anyway. :) Thanks again, everyone, for stopping by!

  26. I don't seek them out but if I see one that sounds good or hear about one then I will read it.
    sstrode at scrtc dot com