I am writing this post for the BDSM Blog Hop, so if you are interested in reading thoughtful—and sometimes sexy—posts about the many aspects and flavors of power play, then do check out the other bloggers, okay?
As part of the blog hop, I’m holding a drawing for a $25 gift card, winner’s choice of Amazon or Good Vibrations. To enter, follow the instructions at the bottom of the post.
When I do talk about BDSM, I talk from the heterosexual dominant side of the table. I love men and a man’s body, and I get a rush from being the one who does the tying up, the teasing, the torturing, and all the rest. In the right circumstances, i.e. a consensual relationship, dominance is a way to be loving and nurturing, as well as a means to express sexual interest. Both partners get what they want and if that’s not a definition of fulfilling, I don’t have a better one.
People tend to talk at great length about subspace and sub drop, mostly because the submissive is in the most vulnerable position. Often the submissive is physically helpless and emotionally laid open. So talking about the submissive experience is important and necessary.
Far fewer people talk about top drop, those times when the dominant’s emotions crash.
True, Doms are generally in physical control. We set the scene, we control the pace, we deliver what the submissive receives and, if we’re doing it right, what they want and need. The presumption is the dominant is getting what he or she needs by doing this. And that’s mostly the case. But sometimes it’s not.
When a scene involves intense or painful acts—for example, “forced” sex by consent, or edgy play with clamps or cock cages, sounds, or heavy flogging—the dominant is not some soulless automaton performing mechanically. Take me for example: I’m human. I have an imagination, and scruples, and feelings. And when I go deep, mining my soul for the ability to tap into what the sub needs, every once in a while things just collide in a certain way and… what I’m doing doesn’t make me happy. It leaves me a mess.
It could be anything. Maybe it’s because I take such great care not to hurt someone, but I did. Or I get a mental shot of how my grandmother would react to what I’m doing (hint: she would not approve). Mostly it’s brain chemistry. Dopamine plummets and prolactin rises through the roof. Whatever the trigger, the rush crashes and I end up feeling conflicted, sad, and tired to the core.
Some Doms may never experience top drop. Others might experience it only on occasion. A few experience it so severely they take long breaks from BDSM or even never do it again.
The best thing a submissive can do if his or her Dom falls into a funk is to keep it normal. First and foremost, the Dom’s reaction is NOT about the submissive. It’s not about the scene. No one and nothing failed. If possible, allow your Dom to be loving, snuggle, kiss, and reassure him or her things were wonderful. Try to laugh. If the Dom wants to talk, great—if not, don’t push for an explanation. Your Dom wants to take care of you, not feel under siege for something he or she might not even understand enough to explain.
If you’re a Dom who experiences top drop, do all of the above and then consider talking to a friend in the BDSM scene. If it’s a serious case, it helps to plan another scene, something less intense, and enjoy being with your partner again in that personal, private way.
Ultimately, the most important thing to remember about BDSM is that the participants are people, humans, who have found a very special way to be together.
1. Leave a comment answering this question: Do you seek out BDSM-themed books?
2. Leave an email address so I can contact you should you win.
3. I will choose a winner at the end of the blog hop, on Monday morning, July 14th.